YuHeng's blog

Leaving for Taiwan

Had to say bye to dog

Do dogs say goodbye

Do they wait or forget.

Either way, it does not apply to me.

I can say goodbye but not goodbye to my goodbyes.

Must I remember them.

Of my forgetting…

I can smoke my memory, but only to see them propagate

more vague, vacant, filled with nothing. Or at least, something to be filled–which is worse than nothing, because for nothing, at least I have absolute negation. I don’t have to fill anything. It’s just there. But it is only there alone in total isolation. And I know of nothing that is truly alone. I must depend on something.

So I start thinking of how ‘you remember everything when you’re young.’ Well, I think the fact that I remember is not because I remember the fact itself, but the mere fact that this fact remains within the grater fact–my youth–and by remembering my youth, i thereby remember the fact. And by remembering the fact, I remember that this fact, including other facts, belong to a greater fact, and so no facts are truly alone, for they are derivational.

This fact stands on top of another fact, much as you and I stand in the relation between you and I. I am nothing. I am nothing without you, through which I project my image, consciousness… I cannot exist without you, literally. I is other. Conversely, you are me. The product of such inversal is that I am me and not me. This contradiction is just what Hegel says. Man is imperfect; we work around contradicitions. The synthesiss of us is that the relation emerges as us precisely; you and I are mere thesis and antithesis. The basis of the mind operates on this. To think of black, I must think of another colour, for between black and this colour, stands all the other possible colour. If I think of green and yellow, the sysnthesis is blue. By the same token, if I think of yellow and blue, then the product is blue. And by such synthessis, I come to the conclusion of all possible colours–of all possible contradictions within the topic of colour. And since colour relates to other things, these contradictions necessarily relate to such other things. Then by extension, no colour is alone, no colour depends on itself, for the dependences depends on another, assumes the presence of another, of an opposition, of a force that cracks the smooth horizon.

So, I believe in these contradictions. So, I do not regret a contradiction. So, i do not (try not to) remorse in any hope of the causes of contradictions. They must be so, and they must be so for a reason. And if the reason is as simple as the purpose of a synthesis, of growth, well, thats a hell good of a reason. I would not like to be stagnant, remote, and distant from all that could possible be. I do not wish to regress into the sterile past, subject to a moral law “instituted by either God” or something of a Kantian law–the moral imperative. I am my own law. I am my own self. And within this self, assumes all the presence of others. I am shadows. I am your shade. The invisible, luminous shade.