YuHeng's blog

20.

10 years ago, I remember that I had a diary, and I wrote something in it. This was when i turned ten. Now, I’m twenty, and it’s strange, because I have passed another ten years which would’ve been my whole life again ten years ago, but it’s really only half, as of now, that is, because ten years for me a year ago would’ve been less than half of ten years, and two years ago, ten years would’ve been even less, and so on. 20 is really just my reference point. But what else could I use a reference point for. I wouldn’t be comparing myself to just last year or even five years ago; I remember those too well. It’s only ten years ago that something changed me greatly, moving to another place and all. Perhaps, I will do that again soon after I graduate, but all this while, my memory of myself is still from a few years back, which would move me closer to ten years ago when I moved, which in turn makes me feel like if I do move, I will be moving too soon again when really, its too late, or at least not soon. So it happens that I am somewhere in between, lost, transient, confused. This is all metaphysical, but the thing is I believe in this kind of crap. I do think that the essence of time, necessity and causality, identity and change, and so on are important and real… But at what point will I start living my philosophy, the ideas that I’ve embraced, destroyed, reconstructed, broken, integrated, and again and again, disintegrated? When I start projecting my ideas, I think that’s when I will have invented myself–established me as something that I can exist out of but something that came from within. Soon, I think I will learn the value of possession by letting go, whether of an image, thought, abstraction, or dream, for I would no longer need to dream when I have transcended my dream, escaped an abstraction, and abandoned a thought of the past. Though right now in my mind, I am thinking that will I still be wondering about this in ten years? Or will I have thought about it already? I contradict because I have dreams and thoughts to surpass… Right now, I am only inventing, dreaming, thinking, but i have not invented, dreamed, or thought.

The odour of a wet dog coagulates, ages, and slips.