YuHeng's blog

Woke up for meeting but ended earlier than anticipated anyways

La Tana

Itsumo. Very friendly dogs. Salesperson very vibey, as people nowadays call it. Oh so very cool. I love the smell of incense. It’s so fragrant and earthy, but not like the smell of weed, which is smelly. But the incense, mhm, it smells amazing, like a temple. I like temple smells, and everything in there is mostly made of wood, which is nice because it reminds me of nature.

Home. Dozed off for a bit, walked the dog, smoking hot today. Blistering hot when you begin to sweat and the heat still vaporizes you. The shade is very nice, but too many worms hanging on cedar trees, or pine trees.

Home again.

Dinner. More sweat.

And now I’m writing this. It is 9.16, and at 8.02 I wanted to go to the beach. But there are too many people, and I don’t think I’ll see the sunset today. Not today at least.

Three more weeks in van. Roughly. So three more weeks of work. i wonder if i will find a job in toronto. I hope I do. But I also don’t want to bust my ass off for school and work. Well, its not like I bust my ass off for it now anyways. But i don’t want to be getting no sleep and be stressed about school and work everyday. I don’t even know if I will find a job that I like. I mean part time with limited availability… eh I’ll see. But my hope is that I’ll find a reasonable job where I can stock up some experience.

So far in Van, there’ve been times where I’ve been stuck in a stasis… my worst nightmare but it happens. And if it happens then it happens. I don’t mind the boredom but I do mind trying to think of it as something else. if Im bored then im bored. You just go through with it and see the depth of it. Most of the times, I think you’ll find nothingness, but its not so often that you see nothingness like that. So it’s a good feeling in the end. One must preserve the right state of mind, and for all the times that I spend doing nothing, it’s merely to preserve that state of mind, in which I am neither pensive nor ignorant but simply being here, where all my past integrates into a whole constituted of my present moments, where my present moments consist of various aspects of past moments and where I accept all aspects of my past and surrender to its inevitability… That’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past few days, which is why when I compare my summer this year to last year’s, its different in a lot of ways. I was worried that it might all be just the same but this year has been a lot more organized even though it doesn’t seem like it. I think I have more things to look forward to, less distress, and more fun things. I think I know what I want more, and I’m approaching it with more and more condensed forms. I hope this is what I’ll get out of college, just a sense of direction, of knowing where to go and not someone who’ll hold my hand and walk me out of adolescence. I’m turning 20 soon. And I still don’t know how i really feel about it. Its melancholic to some degrees for me, but I’ve always been someone who knows that a birthday is just like any other days. Yet, it holds something special for me. Something unique and different. I mean, it is the day that I was born in afterall. But I don’t want it to be a mark of anything. I simply want it to be a happy day–a pleasant day, without a hope for it to be anything, but only a day of simplicity, and perhaps thats where my happiness comes from–by just not thinking of it as anything special. Maybe by letting go, that’s where my content will arise. The possession of something by letting go… Funny to think how it’s been over two years since I remembered most directly and recently of my past. What I mean is that everything that happened two years ago is the sum of all that I could remember now. If I think back now, the most vivid memories are what happened two years ago, and it’s funny how that those are what I remember. Wouldn’t I remember more clearly of something yesterday or last week? Or something fun that happened maybe a month ago? I think its because the closeness of the fun that I had, let’s say, last week was too close to a potential fun that could happen again next week or so. So, when I think back on the fun that I had two years ago, I know it’ll never be the same… because the same people with whom I had fun are no longer here. At least not in the same place or time. So, it becomes even more melancholic for me and nostalgic. And I hate the feeling of nostalgia… It’s tinged with the feelings of naivety, dependence, and in short, cringiness. Something ordinary, over-expressed, common, used. I want to be original, not someone out of the method of derivations. But then again, I long for the last effect of nostalgia, the glow that it offsets. I think that’s what really attracts me to it, not the nostalgia itself but the sense that I could never have what I had again. The loss of something that is here but not really here, the possession of something that I could gain only if I can just let go… and most of all, the fear of letting go, and the pleasure of idealizing the illusion of possession. It’s been a good year so far, and I hope I can make more out of it.